Pure Fail

I fail.

Twilight Zone

Dear Edward Cullen,

It's been a while since I thought of you last..

I hate the fact that I am still slightly in love with you - along side (almost) every other girl on the face of the earth, and that I have only thought of you again because of youtube. The women that claim they are not in love with you are just kidding themselves. I'm not in love with the man that plays you in the movie, Robert Patterson or whatever, i'm just in love with the idea of you. I'm not in love with the actor's pretty face, i'm hopelessly and utterly in love with your intensity. It seems like ages since I last felt any real intensity, and since you came into my life, I crave to have it back. Not back with whomever i felt it with before, but with someone new.. someone I have never met before. I want to look at him and just know that he is my Edward Cullen. This probably sounds immensely shallow, but I need the intensity of his personality to match extremely intense looks. I want to stare at him for hours and have my heart skip beats because of the intensity of his gaze and wonder to myself what he must be thinking. And I want to be cared for in the way that Edward cares for Bella - again, what every other girl wants. But I don't need to be called little names like "love", because that just makes me cringe. I don't need any protecting, but I want to feel like i'm being protected anyways.

So where is my Edward Cullen? I know of one guy who would fit the roll perfectly. He is soooo enchanting. He's got the looks, personality, and intensity of it all, but i'm in high doubts that THAT would ever work. And after thinking about it quite a bit, i'm not sure that i want it to work with him.

So usually, after fantisizing about E.C, I come back down to earth and my mind becomes fuzzy again. I leave fantasy world and no longer know what I want and need anymore. One part of me wants an Edward Cullen so ridiculously bad that it makes me want to scream, but the other part wants absolutely no man in my life.. or atleast no boyfriend. I am having an absolutely fabulous time being single. I'm able to spend time with my girlfriends, shamelessly flirt, and answer to no one but myself. I am able to think for myself, act however I want, and just go with the flow. With boyfriends, things become more complicated, and i'm not so sure my lifestyle right now fits having a boyfriend. But it's so hard not to think about how bad I want this intensity in my life. I don't want anyone to think I just want a boyfriend or love, I want intensity. I wonder how many times i've said that word in this blog. Give me intensity and i'm yours for life. Don't necessarily be Edward Cullen, or make me feel like Bella Swan, just make me feel the intensity and compassion for eachother that they feel.

I hate having this sort of split personality, where part of me wants to be graduated from school with a solid career, a great man, and on the road to a planned and organized life, while the other parts of me wants to be spontaneous. It wants to not be in school, and to party all the time, go to band shows and dance parties, not have a boyfriend, be a little slutty, and have ridiculous amounts of fun ALL THE TIME. It gets so difficult to balance the two because, for me, they won't blend. There are times where I am solidly workworkwork, and other times where its allll about the partypartyparty.

What do I do? What do I want?

Let's Get Intense.

Be A Man

Attn: Gentlmen.

I would greatly appreciate it if you grew a pair and starting being men, because the way I see it, you are all being huge bitch tits right now. I don't need a guy to lie straight to my face and tell me he wants to see me when he really doesn't. I need a guy to be straight up and tell me he doesn't want to, if in fact, he doesn't want to. Sure, I could be a little bummed, maybe even a little hurt. But chances are, i'll have thought about it for like 30 seconds until the next manly man comes along. I'm not made out of glass, and you are not so important to me that I will lose all of my confidence and lock myself in my room for weeks. If you are straight up from the beginning, it will make this whole situation easier. The longer you put it off and the more you sugar coat it, the more difficult it becomes to break it off - as feelings tend to grow stronger. Therefore, stop worrying about being a douchey douche and hurting my feelings, and just do it already. I'd rather that, than sit around here waiting for you and continuing to be hopeful. Don't waste my effing time and BE CONSISTENT.

Get Fucked.

Buns of Steele

So today I went on a little shopping excursion to purchase some things to get my bod in rock-solid-shape. Let me give you a little overview on what I purchased;

1. FIVE entire work-out dvds
a) Rock your Body with Jamie King - Slim, shape and strengthen your body with the ultimate hip-hop inspired workout.
b) Legs by Bikini Ready Fitness
c) The Look - Target toning for everyone, Abs, Arms, Buns, and Thighs
d) Carmen Electra Aerobic Striptease: Vegas Strip
e) Carmen Electra Aerobics - Strip your way to fitness!

2. I bought a little stretchy pants and tank top ensemble to look all cutesy while I work out because apparently, i'm some sort of girl?

Yeah. So I love how i'm so slutty that I even have to being doing slutty things while working out, and I have to wear a little slutty tank top instead of gross sweats as well. But i'm also so gangsta that I have to do my booty drop with ma boi Jamie King.

Let's do this.

Boys Drool

Today I feel like pulling an A.D and reflect on all the males I have liked, dated, and/or hooked up with. Where to begin?

Actually, i'm going to skip most of elementary school because those are memories i'd rather not dust off. So let's begin in grade 7/8.

1. I had a crush on this guy named Darren Conway, and he was one of the "cool" boys in school. I totalllly thought we were going to D8 because we talked on the phone, and he didn't know i was "uncool" yet because I had just transferred to Woodland from Gracefield. But he never told anyone we talked on the phone, and we hardly ever talked at school or anything, so he was probably just embarrassed by my slicked back hair, overalls, and silver liquid eyeliner.

2. In grade 8 I had my first reaaaaaaaal boyfriend! His named was Kevin O'Conner, and he was mass shorter than me. I don't even remember gushing over him, but suddenly he was my b-eff, and we dated for like 2 months, which was the longest relationship I had before grade 11. I ended up getting a crush on this other guy named Cain something and we were supposed to be daters but everyone thought I was a playah so he backed out. OH and p.s I was so shy I could hardly hug Kevin, and our first kiss was at a Y dance and we were forced into it, I freaked out and ran away. So embarrassing. Fuck!

3. There is like 1 or 2 in between the next one, but unfortunetly I can't remember names. Only whores can't remember names. Fuck, again!

3. Next I met this cute boy in Port Dalhousie. Him and his two other friends followed me and my friend around and we were soOooOo flattered. His name was Kevin Fournier and he was super sweet. He gave me the butterflies and he was my first real make-out sess. We had cute phone conversations, but to my dismay, our relationship only lasted 2 weeks. So bummed. (This was grade 9)

4. The next bfbfbf I had was by the name of Aaron Mitchel in grade 10. He was this punk boy with blue hair and he made me smile like this -> : D. I remember he asked me why I didn't have a boyfriend, I said I didn't know, and he asked if he could be my boyfriend and I said yes. HAHAHA. I love how my relationships so far are so grade 4, but I was like 13 or 14. Oh well, we dated for 2 months and were both far too shy to kiss. But we held hands all cute like and watched zombie movies and hung out at the hideaway. Dreamboat. Anyways, he broke up with me and I was so sad that I called my cousin from London and cried to her. Now he has a kid and does drugs. I WIN!

5. Wow. Upon reflecting, it looks like I only ever had boyfriends and not really any crushes or flings. Anyways, this next one is a biggy. I dated my high-school-sweet-heart Mr. Rob Paulin. He was this little skater punk guy with blue hair (sound familiar?), and he pretty much got with all my friends before he got with me. I remember hating all of my friends over this boy, when I should have been accepting the fact that he just wasn't that into me. But low and behold, after like 8 months of liking the kid, he finally wants to be with me. We end up dating for close to a year, and being the lil shy girl I was, I had all of my firsts with him (but of course I held out for like 4 or 5 months first). I gave that boy everything I had to offer and he broke me lil bitty heart, not once, but twice. It took me close to three years to get over that, and now we're friends.

6. Oh. Here is where I have all my flings. What a slut tit. First I made out with a guy JM, then another two guys that I can't remember their names. I invited some guy to semi formal and totally ditched him there because I became heartless. I made out with a few others. This one guy asks me to prom and apparently likes me and I eat his heart for dinner. Another guy from highschool, who was super popular, admits he liked me all of highschool, so i'm flattered and I sit on his face (it was probably just a ploy). And then I go to College and straighten up.

7. My next BF was Mike Bieuz. We lasted like two weeks. He cheated on me, just like every other girl. Obviously.

8. My next boyfraaan was cutie Stefano! He was so super cute and I liked him a lot. We actually dated for like 4 months, but I was such a coug that I needed more from him and he was so young. Nuff said. He was a good boyfriend though.

9. Next I liked this guy named Eric Snyder and he wouldn't friggen date me! I was so mad. But at AD's b-day I got hammered and made out with him in the back seat of my car for hours. S-U-C-C-E-S-S.

10. Then I met Ryan Sonier. We fought a lot. But I liked him so much. And again ,someone who wouldn't be my boyfriend, so I bailed and dated someone else.

11. Which leads me to Adam Opalka. I don't even know what to say about him. He was nice at the beginning and then a huge dick randomly throughout. But it's hard to be mad at that guy because he's so ridiculous! We dated for like 4 months, and are sort of friends now, sort of not.

12. Alan G. Let's just skip over this part. Unless you want to dirty talk.

13. Back to Ryan Sonier. He was mad that I dated someone else and as soon as I was single, he snagged me right off the market. I was utterly and hopelessly in love with that boy. He treated my like absolute garb, but I loved im when we were together. We were so much of the same, and so silly and stupid and it just worked. But apparently he worked with other girls too. I dated him for just over a year, and I really thought I was going to marry him. Get fucked.

14. Jerjerjer. The first guy I liked after Ryan. He was a really nice guy, but he had a past with someone else and I don't blame him for going back to her because they are in lub. Now the three of us are all friends. Perhaps we'll have a three-some. HAHA JK.

15. Ken Dubois. Such a nice guy. I was terrible to him. I'm a dick.

16. Primavera. Can't even talk about him. VOMIT.

17. Dan Marranca. This boi's got some sweeeeet hair! And he's cute and shy and lives allllllll the way in saskachewan. Cock Block.

18. Chuck. What do I even say about this crazy boy? He's different than anyone I have ever met in my life. I can't tell if he's actually into me or not. He is straight up sarcastic and rude, but when it comes down to it, he can be really sweet. Unless it's all just a ploy. I really don't understand him. I don't even know how I feel about him. But i'm intrigued to say the least.

I hope boys don't read blogs. I didn't realize I had so many romantic encounters.. I got so lazy at the end.

Fuck Love.

Banana Phone

Telephone calls are my new favourite thing. Fuck texts. Call me baby, any day, any time. On a side note. I love how girls get so excited these days when boys call them. It's like more advanced technology has consumed us so much that phone calls are un-heard of. So when you get that phone call from that certain boy, you can't help but gush about it to your friends, when all it was was a stupid phone call that lasted like 5 minutes. Whatever. I'll take a 5 minute phone call every few days from a boy I just met over dating a guy for a year who called you all of never any day.

P.s Has anyone noticed how much life rules lately? Because I have. I have 6 amazing girlfriends who pretty much rule at life, and some great guy friends as well that make me laugh on a daily basis.

Love life.

I Actually Really Hate This.. (Or Maybe Not)

So I basically hate blogs. Why am I doing this then? Well, I have no idea. Here are my possible reasons to be the new (proud?) owner of a blog:

1. Is it to fit in? I'm not so sure, because I really don't (think) I care if anyone reads this. I might prefer it that no one did, because I really have no idea how much I will spill my guts out here in the wild.

2. But maybe I just want somewhere to write down my thoughts, ideas, and feelings. You know, to sort them out and understand them better. But then why don't I just keep a journal? Well, that would be so 1994 'Dear Diary' of me. Plus it just hurts the hand. And.. my mom could find it.

3. Or maybe I DO want people to read my blog and understand my life without me having to sit down and find the words to explain it all. Maybe I want someone to relate to without having to speak and get all sentimental. But then, who says this blog has to be deep and sentimental? Partypartyparty.

Whatever the reason is, I have a blog. I don't know if I feel good about the idea of it yet or not. But I did rather enjoy typing this out, even though it shares hardly anything about me (yet).

Get into it.