Twilight Zone

Dear Edward Cullen,

It's been a while since I thought of you last..

I hate the fact that I am still slightly in love with you - along side (almost) every other girl on the face of the earth, and that I have only thought of you again because of youtube. The women that claim they are not in love with you are just kidding themselves. I'm not in love with the man that plays you in the movie, Robert Patterson or whatever, i'm just in love with the idea of you. I'm not in love with the actor's pretty face, i'm hopelessly and utterly in love with your intensity. It seems like ages since I last felt any real intensity, and since you came into my life, I crave to have it back. Not back with whomever i felt it with before, but with someone new.. someone I have never met before. I want to look at him and just know that he is my Edward Cullen. This probably sounds immensely shallow, but I need the intensity of his personality to match extremely intense looks. I want to stare at him for hours and have my heart skip beats because of the intensity of his gaze and wonder to myself what he must be thinking. And I want to be cared for in the way that Edward cares for Bella - again, what every other girl wants. But I don't need to be called little names like "love", because that just makes me cringe. I don't need any protecting, but I want to feel like i'm being protected anyways.

So where is my Edward Cullen? I know of one guy who would fit the roll perfectly. He is soooo enchanting. He's got the looks, personality, and intensity of it all, but i'm in high doubts that THAT would ever work. And after thinking about it quite a bit, i'm not sure that i want it to work with him.

So usually, after fantisizing about E.C, I come back down to earth and my mind becomes fuzzy again. I leave fantasy world and no longer know what I want and need anymore. One part of me wants an Edward Cullen so ridiculously bad that it makes me want to scream, but the other part wants absolutely no man in my life.. or atleast no boyfriend. I am having an absolutely fabulous time being single. I'm able to spend time with my girlfriends, shamelessly flirt, and answer to no one but myself. I am able to think for myself, act however I want, and just go with the flow. With boyfriends, things become more complicated, and i'm not so sure my lifestyle right now fits having a boyfriend. But it's so hard not to think about how bad I want this intensity in my life. I don't want anyone to think I just want a boyfriend or love, I want intensity. I wonder how many times i've said that word in this blog. Give me intensity and i'm yours for life. Don't necessarily be Edward Cullen, or make me feel like Bella Swan, just make me feel the intensity and compassion for eachother that they feel.

I hate having this sort of split personality, where part of me wants to be graduated from school with a solid career, a great man, and on the road to a planned and organized life, while the other parts of me wants to be spontaneous. It wants to not be in school, and to party all the time, go to band shows and dance parties, not have a boyfriend, be a little slutty, and have ridiculous amounts of fun ALL THE TIME. It gets so difficult to balance the two because, for me, they won't blend. There are times where I am solidly workworkwork, and other times where its allll about the partypartyparty.

What do I do? What do I want?

Let's Get Intense.